How to Wrap Like a Dad

I was recently wrapping my dad’s birthday gift and was faced with the annoying situation of having almost enough wrapping paper to cover the gift.

Almost.

I happened to be in the kitchen and noticed some junk mail laying on the counter that we had not yet gotten rid of. I immediately came up with a brilliant idea.

Not so much Einstein brilliant, but more Dorito Taco brilliant.

-ish.

I took a pizza ad and some other home service ad and made sure they would cover the gap left by my paper. I taped them together, and then taped the paper over them to hide their edges. Otherwise I proceeded normally with the wrapping. The way I look at it, he even got a free coupon out of the deal, which never hurts.

Oh, and of course I put the hack job on the bottom so that it wouldn’t be immediately noticed but could later be brought up as a conversation piece about my obvious cleverness and brilliantishness. That’s a word. Look it up.

See Dear? I plan for the future.

But only on the important stuff like this and making sure there’s enough sweet tea in the fridge each day.

Anyway, when I wrote the title to this post I realized it sounded like I was using the homophone of ‘wrap’. I mean, I knew what I meant but I thought it was funny, you know, to be rapping about wrapping.

Sort of like in Monty Python and the Holy Grail when the guard is talking about having to guard the other guard. Then I realized that ‘guard’ is really not a homophone at all but is merely multiple definitions and parts of speech for the same word which makes it rather inapplicable to this situation, so I decided not to include that in the blog post. Then I botched that when I thought about how easy it is to get sidetracked.

Then I thought about finishing up a new pitcher of sweet tea for tomorrow, and then decided to wait on that.

And then I went and did it. The rap. About wrapping. Enjoy.

[beat begins] (<– this is a super critical part to enhance your reading)

I ain’t playin’ I’m sayin’
I’ll bring this gift wrappin’ home
If you don’t know it I’ll show it
So you can learn what I’ve shown
If you ain’t got no wrappin’ paper or you ain’t got enough
Don’t be frettin’ or sweatin’ when you be wrappin’ your stuff.
Just grab some junk mail, coupons, or magazines
Get yo’ Scotch tape playa; you a tapin’ machine!
It don’ matter ’bout the sizin’, they can mix and match.
Lay ’em out and getcha tape ’cause you about to attach.
Better make enough patchwork to cover all of the gift
Tape it up and then you’re done wrappin’ on the thrift!
Now I been rappin’ ’bout wrappin’ and I think we’ll both agree
The next time you out of paper you’ll be thinkin’ of me.

Yo man, I’m outta here.
Word to ya mutha.

[drop the mic] (<– remember, SUPER critical…)
[beat ends] (<– I included this because it is critical for you to understand when the rap is completed. Which is now.)